Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
dam girl
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom