I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time