Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.