PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
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[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.