Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.