The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree