interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make