[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
What?!?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?