My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
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My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?