ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.