T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.