Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Ok, but like, how married are you?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.