SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.