[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.