Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
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“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.