The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
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Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Baller is short for ballerina
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Monday
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you