dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Go girl power!
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.