“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.