I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe