I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups