Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?