*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
This is I, Robot all over again
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Seems kinda suspicious
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.