Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
When you’re here for the treats.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met