the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
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You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
quarantine day 3
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*