That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
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[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
*updates tinder bio*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.