[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)