person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
How funny!
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no