I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
🙂🙃🥹