Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Sharon I have some bad news
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh