I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me recordaron éste meme
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?