Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea