Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
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Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ