Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not