temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
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Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.