person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.