[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Somebody call the cops.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”