Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
This is always good for a laugh.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit