A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform