I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
You Might Also Like
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Friday night party time 🥳
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY