the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
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I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.