For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
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Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”