I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Finally, an instrument I can play!
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?