Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
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Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
For anyone who needs this today
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
just having fun