My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.