At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
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“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The struggle is real
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*