I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Stonehinge
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.