“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
and now we wait
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.