Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I wish this was real life…
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back