*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
How actors in movies eat their food
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
boat question
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
no such thing as a dumb question