Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.